Into the stupor

I can sense the numbness spreading through my heart. It keeps getting bigger and bigger every day. I fear I will stop feeling anything at all. It feels like all my emotions are ebbing away into the invisible abyss called life and I am turning into a stone figurine which you just admire but are never attached! Why can’t I laugh like everyone else? Why doesn’t my smile reach my eyes? Am I that self absorbed, sadistic person I think I am becoming? But I never feel anything either at others happy times or at my sad times, I am just indifferent either way so does this still make me a sadistic person or just a plain emotionless being? So many questions but I still don’t have answers to any.

My routine is same everyday which sometimes makes me think if I am really a human being or just a machine? I feel like screaming but every time I try no sound comes out of my throat, it’s like someone is pressing their hand on my mouth. I have this suffocating feeling like I’m shackled and can never be free of it. It’s like my heart is bound in a string with thorns which makes it impossible to be free of it without dying first. But then sometimes even death feels like a freedom to the heart. I hope that someday I will wake up from this coma to find myself in front of gleaming water with water softly lapping at my feet and all the happiness in the world filled in my tiny little heart.